A Walk In The Park
I have found myself thinking lately that perhaps I should never have qualified to become a mother. That my temper and my selfishness would be traits better suited for a woman disinterested in raising offspring. That my total lack of patience and total need for control are characterisitics of an individual incapable of managing a family.
And yet...I do.
Now dont get me wrong...I love my kids. Love them beyond measure. They are 2 of the most interesting / beautiful creatures I have ever met. I can't imagine what life would be like without them in it. They are amazing. But sometimes - like today - I find myself thinking "I am not capable of doing this."
I feel like I am short-changing them somehow. Everyday. Like Im not holding up my end of the deal. And yet, I dont know how to do more. I cant even imagine where 'more' would come from right now. Because I am on empty. And being selfish is the only way to fill back up. But Mommies arent supposed to be selfish. And not being allowed to be selfish makes me resentful. Oh..wait...Mommies arent supposed to be resentful either. Damn!
How do other mothers just do it without question? Without feeling like they are screwing it all up? Without feeling completely, utterly, totally overwhelmed? Without second guessing every move they make? Am I missing the secret?
I have been trying so hard lately. Ive been going outside...and to the park. That was a huge step. I hate being outside. But I do because they love it and I dont want them to hate it like I do. Ive been letting them watch more TV because they love it and its easy. But then I feel like I am missing some learning opportunity and get pissed that all they want to do is watch TV. When, honestly, all I want to do is sit my ass down and watch TV too! Ive been cooking easier dinners and not really caring about exposing them to new and exciting cusine. But then I know we should be eating healthier. I judge myself and the choices I make all the time. I am my own worst critic. Laundry not done? My fault! Hannah's failing math? My fault! Spaghetti again??? My fault!
And Ive been yelling. Something I swore Id never do. We lived near the 'Yell Family' growing up. We laughed at that woman. Rolled our eyes. Gave thanks that we didnt live there. Well, now I do. I can yell about anything. Spelling words. Who gets what seat at the table. How many books to order from Scholastic. The VISA bill. Barbies. Insulin. Anything. You name it and given the right mood, I can yell about it.
I have to go now and get my kids from school. Then we will go to the park. I promised them. That's what Mommies do. Even when they think they cant.
And yet...I do.
Now dont get me wrong...I love my kids. Love them beyond measure. They are 2 of the most interesting / beautiful creatures I have ever met. I can't imagine what life would be like without them in it. They are amazing. But sometimes - like today - I find myself thinking "I am not capable of doing this."
I feel like I am short-changing them somehow. Everyday. Like Im not holding up my end of the deal. And yet, I dont know how to do more. I cant even imagine where 'more' would come from right now. Because I am on empty. And being selfish is the only way to fill back up. But Mommies arent supposed to be selfish. And not being allowed to be selfish makes me resentful. Oh..wait...Mommies arent supposed to be resentful either. Damn!
How do other mothers just do it without question? Without feeling like they are screwing it all up? Without feeling completely, utterly, totally overwhelmed? Without second guessing every move they make? Am I missing the secret?
I have been trying so hard lately. Ive been going outside...and to the park. That was a huge step. I hate being outside. But I do because they love it and I dont want them to hate it like I do. Ive been letting them watch more TV because they love it and its easy. But then I feel like I am missing some learning opportunity and get pissed that all they want to do is watch TV. When, honestly, all I want to do is sit my ass down and watch TV too! Ive been cooking easier dinners and not really caring about exposing them to new and exciting cusine. But then I know we should be eating healthier. I judge myself and the choices I make all the time. I am my own worst critic. Laundry not done? My fault! Hannah's failing math? My fault! Spaghetti again??? My fault!
And Ive been yelling. Something I swore Id never do. We lived near the 'Yell Family' growing up. We laughed at that woman. Rolled our eyes. Gave thanks that we didnt live there. Well, now I do. I can yell about anything. Spelling words. Who gets what seat at the table. How many books to order from Scholastic. The VISA bill. Barbies. Insulin. Anything. You name it and given the right mood, I can yell about it.
I have to go now and get my kids from school. Then we will go to the park. I promised them. That's what Mommies do. Even when they think they cant.
posted by diabetes mom at 11:29 AM
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