Major Fat Day

My belly is rubbing up against the inside of my shirt today. It is making me crazy. In fact, I think I can feel myself expanding as I sit here in my seat typing.

If you can't already tell, I'm having a fat day.

I'm struggling with my body image this week, even more than I typically do. I have my period which always adds to the body drama. I havent been exercising and Ive been eating like shit. I have no self-discipline in this regard. The more I think about making positive changes, the less likely I am to make them. I wasnt going to get iced coffee anymore...Ive had it 3 days in a row! I wasnt going to drink alcohol during the week...Ive had a drink 2 of the last 3 nights. I was going to start exercising again...nope! I know how good I feel even after just one workout - its wonderful - but I am just not commited to myself.

Why is that?

Maybe its because I dont feel like I deserve a healthy/nice/fit body. But why not? Maybe its because by the end of the day I have no energy left to carry out my exercising intentions. Maybe Im just meant to be flabby and sad.

I will never be an underwear model. I will never again wear a bikini. I am not ever going to be a size 8. But I really dont even desire these things. I just want to be in a happy place with my naked self. I hung a full length mirror in my bathroom in an effort to develop some compassion for myself. To develop a love for my body just as it is, not how I wish it to be. And that is not happening. Now I find myself hiding from the mirror when Im in the bathroom. Scootching into the shower and shutting the doors before I can see anything. And it just makes me feel worse.

So right now, Im in a new kind of 'High and Low' place...which is more low than high. But I think if I write about it, just get it all out, that maybe I will start to see some reasoning for my destructive patterns. That I will begin to see why I am in hate with myself. Because I deserve better than that...