Could It Be?

HOW GOD SELECTS THE MOTHER OF A CHILD WITH DIABETES
by Erma Bombeck

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit. Did you ever wonder how mothers of children with diabetes are chosen? Somehow I visualize God hovering over earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint Matthew."

"Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron Saint Cecilia."

"Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint Gerard. He's used to profanity."

Finally, He passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a child with diabetes."

The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."

"Exactly", smiles God. "Could I give a child with diabetes to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel".

"But has she the patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I am going to give her has her own world. She has to make it live in her world and that's not going to be easy."

"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."

God smiles. "No matter. I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness."

The angel gasps. "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she cannot separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with less than perfect. She does not realize it yet, but she is to be envied. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see .... ignorance, cruelty, prejudice ... and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as if she is here by my side."

"And what about her patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in mid air. God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

To this I say...Amen.

Abs of Steel

I recently purchased a new piece of exercise equipment so that I could re-invent my physical self. I saw it on a TV informercial. Its called the Total Gym. Chuck Norris and Christie Brinkley love it and I was pretty sure that if I had it, I would love it too. So I bought it.

Then UPS delivered it and I pretended for 3 days that it wasnt on my porch because I didnt want to have to use it. Not a great way to start.

Eventually Dan saw it out on the porch and dragged it into the house. It weighs like 110 pounds and neither of us wanted to bring it down the stairs so we left it in the kitchen. Very handy. I laid stuff on it. Used it as extra seating. Avoided looking at it.

During my Thursday night TV viewing last week, Dan decided that NOW would be the time to put it in the basement. With me complaining the whole way about it not taking longer that the commerical break, we got it down the stairs. That was a workout all on its own. I needed to rest after that. But thankfully, I didnt have Chuck Norris or Christie Brinkley staring up at me in my kitchen anymore.

Sunday morning I found myself sitting on the couch in my jammies watching TV. I was clicking away and found myself watching an infomercial. It was for the Total Gym. Damn, I thought. That looks like such a cool thing. That would really get me into shape. Duh! Could it be that I had already forgotten that I owned a Total Gym? That it was in the basement still all boxed up and waiting? Yep! The guilt was overwhelming. So I hauled myself off the couch and went downstairs in my jammies and took the first step toward fitness.

The box says 'fully assembeled - just open and use'. Yeah, right! After an hour of what I consider 'assembling', it was ready to go. It is a really neat machine. I am impressed by it and the potential it offers. So I hopped on. Now, the manual offers 4 levels - pre-beginner, beginer, intermediate and advanced. Who the hell wants to consider themselves so out of shape that the are pre-beginner? Not me! So I started with beginer. It was sometime during the 'overhead arch' that I began to notice the stich in my side. I kept going and it seemed to subside. I finished all of the exercises and felt really great. I showered and went on with my day.

Sunday night I was laying on the couch (are we seeing a pattern here?) watching a really bad TV movie and I rolled onto my side trying to get comfortable because I had a bit of a cramp in my side. The cramp turned out to be the 'stich' of earlier that day. Only 100 times worse now. By morning the 'stich' had grown into a 'stab' and my breathing had become compromised. Laughing and coughing were out of the question. They still are...

Having a bit of a dramatic flair about me, I am convinced that I have torn apart some crucial abdominal muscle that will forever keep me from getting in shape and wearing anything below a size 14. In reality, however, Im sure that I have simply pulled an abdomial muscle that somehow survived 2 pregnancies and was just withering away inside me praying for a crunch or two to keep it from extinction. I am trying to take some comfort in knowing that I still actually have abdominal muscles. I thought they were a thing of the past. Imagine that.

So now I am waiting to re-invent myself once again. When I can take a deep breath and roll over in bed without tears in my eyes, I will start fresh. Only this time, it will be as a pre-beginer. I think even Chuck & Christie will understand.

A Walk In The Park

I have found myself thinking lately that perhaps I should never have qualified to become a mother. That my temper and my selfishness would be traits better suited for a woman disinterested in raising offspring. That my total lack of patience and total need for control are characterisitics of an individual incapable of managing a family.

And yet...I do.

Now dont get me wrong...I love my kids. Love them beyond measure. They are 2 of the most interesting / beautiful creatures I have ever met. I can't imagine what life would be like without them in it. They are amazing. But sometimes - like today - I find myself thinking "I am not capable of doing this."

I feel like I am short-changing them somehow. Everyday. Like Im not holding up my end of the deal. And yet, I dont know how to do more. I cant even imagine where 'more' would come from right now. Because I am on empty. And being selfish is the only way to fill back up. But Mommies arent supposed to be selfish. And not being allowed to be selfish makes me resentful. Oh..wait...Mommies arent supposed to be resentful either. Damn!

How do other mothers just do it without question? Without feeling like they are screwing it all up? Without feeling completely, utterly, totally overwhelmed? Without second guessing every move they make? Am I missing the secret?

I have been trying so hard lately. Ive been going outside...and to the park. That was a huge step. I hate being outside. But I do because they love it and I dont want them to hate it like I do. Ive been letting them watch more TV because they love it and its easy. But then I feel like I am missing some learning opportunity and get pissed that all they want to do is watch TV. When, honestly, all I want to do is sit my ass down and watch TV too! Ive been cooking easier dinners and not really caring about exposing them to new and exciting cusine. But then I know we should be eating healthier. I judge myself and the choices I make all the time. I am my own worst critic. Laundry not done? My fault! Hannah's failing math? My fault! Spaghetti again??? My fault!

And Ive been yelling. Something I swore Id never do. We lived near the 'Yell Family' growing up. We laughed at that woman. Rolled our eyes. Gave thanks that we didnt live there. Well, now I do. I can yell about anything. Spelling words. Who gets what seat at the table. How many books to order from Scholastic. The VISA bill. Barbies. Insulin. Anything. You name it and given the right mood, I can yell about it.

I have to go now and get my kids from school. Then we will go to the park. I promised them. That's what Mommies do. Even when they think they cant.

In Memory

My Pop-Pop died in July after a couple of very long months. In the end, he just couldnt fight anymore and he left us to be with my Nanny again. I still forget sometimes that he is gone and expect that I will see him at mom's for dinner or that she will tell me about bringing him for groceries. I wasnt there when he died. I was on vacation in Maine. Before I left he told me about a trip he and Nan had taken to Maine with Aunt Jane and Uncle Bud. He talked about eating lobsters and getting taffy at the Goldenrod. It was the most lucid he had been in days. He held my hand and made me think that it was ok to go. So I went. He died 3 days into the trip.

Me not being there when he died was really a reflection of our relationship. I always felt a little removed from him...a little bit of an outsider in his world. I had learned to know him and love him thru my Nan and once she was gone, we lost that thread that had woven us together. He was a painful reminder of her and how much I miss her still. I loved him but I never really got to know him because I could not move past the grief.

So I went to the Goldenrod the day he died. I bought taffy and cried all alone. Cried for the moments we would miss in the future and the moments I had missed in the past. But mostly I cried because I knew they were together again. Forever.